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Dec 7, 2009
Book 1
27/4/04 - 19/11/05
Vision One
Tonight, we got a message from the otherside
Told us life is everything we want to kill
So take a holiday
Blue skies are fading into white lies
Cradling electric lines and steel
To blow us all away
Your world is killing me
Broadcast live on Channel Three
The latest craze called 'Reality'
Born on the cover of a magazine
Now I'm a ghost on the CCTV
Waiting for a light to set me free
I'm feeling cold, digitised and ready to be sold
Tonight, we got a message through the satellites
Got a picture of a place we've yet to find
Its in our mind
Beaming down from the eye in the sky
We watch thirteen shots of the men as they die
Televising battles and suicides
We want our pay-per-view genocide
They say there's nothing like death to make you feel alive
But life has run its course and we want a fight
We're feeling cold, bitter, twisted, scared and growing old.
Make last your last hit of oxygen
Pray for safe ascension
Don't be prtrified
It's only fiction
Your last hit of oxygen
Pray for safe ascension
Don't be petrified
Its only fiction baby
The Ballad Of Orpheus
Drink from the river and come back to me
My ship is lost upon the open sea
With vessels white and silver sail we row with crimson oar
Into the west a lovers tale of one who lives no more
27.04.04
It's taken forever for me to get my act together and actually begin to write down all the things that have been and are going through my head but I've finally put pen to paper. I kind of started with the intention of this being a book of songs but as the songwriting is currently on hold, I thought I'd try to solve the problem by writing everything down. It's supposed to be good therapy anyway. I don't know why I've had such a problem with the concept of writing down my own thoughts. I suppose its because I've become so used to not talking about how I feel and the fear of being judged. A silly thought really. It reminds me of Pink Floyds 'The Wall'. I sentence you to be exposed before your peers! I feel better now than I have for a long time though. I'm looking forward to going to do the guitar diploma in September and hopefully find the people I've been searching for for the last seven years or so! People who want to create something beautiful and magical and grand in music.
I've come back from two months in Israel staying with my dad that helped me more than I thought it would. Dad is the kindest and most inspiring guy and the best dad anyone could ever hope to have. He's been completely fucked by his divorce to my mum yet he still gives all his soul to his kids and everyone he meets. It does make me angry that he's ended up with bugger all money or things of his own when he loved mum so much up until the end. I hope that he comes out on top and makes his millions because if there was ever someone who deserved it its him. So anyway, it was great being able to spend time with him. We had a lot of open discussions and I get the feeling we get even closer everytime we're together. He has a girfriend who is my age (22), actually a year younger, which I couldn't care less about but you can imagine how 'white picture-perfect married with 2.5 kids' took that one, despite the fact that their all divorced themselves! Ah the sweet hypocrisy of our times!
Her name is Adi and he loves her very much. Sometimes I worry that he loves her too much. She's young and I don't want him to end up alone. Unfortunetly her and I didn't quite see eye to eye. I thought she was too demanding and she thought I was boring. Complete clash of lifestyle but she's a good person and I wish her all the best. Her mum is also a very kind woman who was really kind to me and makes amazing food! It was great to feel the sun on my face again having lived in the middle east from the ages of eleven until seventeen. I moved back to England and the fucking dark and gloomy atmosphere and the pale-skinned people walking around looking half dead and everyones so embarressed about smiling or catching someones eye so you get this whole macho hard man thing whilst everyone struggles for their position in the social hierarcy. Thats my rant for the day! The sun makes people so much happier.
Before I went to Israel I was stuck in a dark lonely place. What I realise now is that that was and is caused by lonliness and I'm sure smoking weed everyday for about four months didn't help either. When I arrived back in England I had two incidents where I felt 'the fear' associated with coming back. When I acknowledged however that it was just the fear of being by myself it went away. The hole I used to feel inside filled up and for the last two weeks I've felt better than I have for years. I want to have fun and feel love again! So thank you Israel, thank you sun and thank you dad. There's lots I want to write about but I'm not going to do it all at once so for now I will stop. One thing I wanted to put on here was a line from a film I watched with my sister last night called 'Girl Interrupted'. She's encouraged to write down her thoughts in a journal. At one point in the film she's speaking to a psychiatrist who quotes some lines from a poem along the lines of, "What stramge land is this? What shores are these that wash upon my feet?" I thought those were fitting words for those of us who feel that we're alone or feel that we live in a world that's completely alien to us. I guess thats all of us then....
List of London nightspots for future reference:
Clubs
Trash - MON nights - The End (West Central St, WC2) electroclash, glam etc
Notting Hill Arts Club - Alan McGees Death Disco Night (Notting Hill Gate) feat obscure psychaedlia, metal etcc
The Boston Arms - Dirty Water Club (178 Junction Road N19) Friday night.
The Albany - Rock N' Roll Soul (first sat of every month (240 Great Portland St, w1)
Venues
The Barfly (49 Chalk Farm Road, NW1)
The Dublin Castle (94 Parkway, NW1)
The Buffalo Bar (next to Highbury and Islington tube) on Tuesday nights.
Pubs
Bradleys Spanish Bar behind Virgin Megastores on Oxford Street
Hanway Street - after hours drinking
Marathon Kebab House on Chalk Farm Road near The Barfly and the Lock Tavern (35 Chalk Farm Road - does a good sunday roast)
Cro-Bar (17 Manette St, WC1) - noxious cocktails!
The Social (5 Little Portland St, W1)
Recommended
The Peliccia Italian Cafe - Bethnal Green Rd
Garlic and shot restaurant - Frith St - downstairs good heavy metal bar. Around the corner 70s rock club 'Gossip'
St.Aloysius Social Club - Phoeniz Rd near Euston Station plays folk and country on the last Friday of each month.
Ed, I never thought I could find someone like you. You have made me happy. Stay here with me. Lauren xxx
Lauren, You are more special than you'll ever know. There is a light I've been waiting for to light this dark tunnel I've been walking through for so long now and I've found it in you. You've made me realize that through all the hate in this world there are still people who shine brighter than the prettiest star. - Love Is Beautiful.
Black haired and battered you fall,
Through memories of smiles and heartaches onto a new shore.
A million stars for one satellite heart.
I am chrome to always sleep alone,
Tar in my eyes and sweetness on my tongue.
I want to capture your decay,
Throw away the night and start another day.
It's still raining down here,
It's still raining...
Walk past the buildings to the tree of your birth.
Lens flare minds born again,
In every branch.
It looks like snow.
This root is left out in the cold.
Black and white makes a prettier sight.
No rainbow to hide behind,
No pot of gold to be sold.
So trade a perfect view for a hole, a needle and a haystack.
Pick up sticks,
Pick up knives
Broken homes,
Broken lives.
Feel the magic,
See the man!
He was once my Peter Pan.
We climbed in trees,
Felt the sun.
He had a smile for evryone.
See his trail of stars,
Extinguished by the english rain.
The cracks are beginning to show.
We all belived we'd never grow old.
"I'd really love to soar,
I'd really love to come save you all but I've forgotton how to fly.
I've found a new kind of high"
Got my nicotene machine and my skeleton key,
To open up my disease.
30/04/04
I stayed at my friend Laurens last night. She's had loads of problems with panic attacks and finds it hard to be around groups of people. We talked for hours about everything and we both realised how alike we both are in our interests and how we've both always felt like outsiders. She let down her barriers and I got to see the fragile beautiful person that she is. She told me about her love of photography and how she gets upset when she reads about all the fucked up things that are going on in the world in the newspapers. I know she'll get better but she has to see the way she feels as a gift rather than as a curse. We ended up falling asleep hugging. Talking about our love of fantasy and escapism gave me a lot of inspiration about how I want to capture that feeling of innocence and magic in my music. I hope I helped to inspire her a little as well. What we both wrote to each other on the previous page sums it all up well. Its good to find a kindred spirit.
04/05/04
The last week has been a lot about seeing and spending time with all my friends and drinking and smoking too much!
On Friday night I met up with my friend Danny in Marlborough and we went out drinking. We chatted about lots of things, drank guiness and stayed up with his dad drinking rum and coke and smoking weed. I've known Danny since 1999 and he's one of my best friends. He's one of those guys who you enjoy spending time with no matter what. He's an artist and plays the artistic genius in the way he presents himself and the wild fleeting thoughts he has. I hope he goes far.
We discussed my friendship with my closest friend Adam who I used to share a flat with in Devizes. He was my best friend in the sixth form and we bonded over a love of music and many other things. After sixth form we got a flat together with another friend called Matt. Adam and I played music together but as usual we were both too lazy. Matt left the flat after we all mildly fell out. I thought Matt acted very selfishly in the flat. He had a habit of hoarding all his own things. There were things I did that pissed him off as well.
After he had left a guy called Clive moved into Matts old room. Clive was and is a great guy. He was in his forties and came across as very much the seventies casualty with a kind heart. Soon after Clive had moved in Adam met his girlfriend Clare at work. She was his first proper girlfriend he'd had since I had known him and they began spending all their time together. I was very resentful towards Adam for just pushing me out of the picture.
One day we'd be hanging out as normal and the next we'd ignore each other. It made me feel really lonely and depressed so I combatted this by getting stoned every night and staying in my room.
Around Christmas 2003 I announced that I was moving out as that was the only way I could get my head together. I didn't end up going until February 21st. Adam didn't know what I was doing as our communication had completely halted. It had got to the point in which we were playing ridiculous mind games with each other. There was a lot of resentment between the both of us when I left. I saw Adam on the weekend that I returned from Israel and he thought I had an attitude with him which I didn't. Again it was a lack of communication. I didn't want our friendship to go down the pan over bullshit so I met up with him for lunch on Saturday and we discussed it all and sorted it out. I stayed over at the flat on Saturday and Matt came over with his brother and Danny. We all got ridiculously stoned on pure haze and drank yet more guiness. It was a good time.
Adam has changed so much for the better since I met him in 1999. He's gone from being a moody, sarcastic teenager who used to piss a lot of people off to being a very spirited, happy guy whom everyone likes. Clare has contributed a lot to that and I hope I helped a little as well. Clare is a sweetheart. We became friends in the flat as she ended up playing piggy in the middle when Adam and I weren't speaking. I get a very sisterly feel from her. She's a creative person as well so I don't think Adam could have met a better person.
It was my sister Sarah's 20th birthday on Sunday. She had a couple of friends over and we had a BBQ. I chatted to her friend Nick. Another nice guy who I've known since sixth form but had never really spoken to. He's into music experimentation in a big way and is studying music at uni in Bath. My sister shared a flat with him when she was at uni. This was before she had to leave after getting ill. Nick is also one of Laurens best friends so we have a lot in common. Its nice to meet common minded people. I said we should hook up in the future and write a track together. The BBQ was good fun and everyone seemed to enjoy it. I passed out at the piano so I obviously did!
Every man is another mans savior - (the product of an evenings handshake with purple haze)
12/05/04
Roll up, roll up
To the carnival sound
Hide your fears and declare your frowns
Everybodys here, the lights are down
We're in the town of a thousand clowns
15/5/04
Well I'm sitting in my room, or should I say new room, in Guildford. I've unpacked everything and it feels like my room. There are three other guys in the house who all seem like nice guys, pretty quiet. They are all post grads because the landlord dosn't want a house full of party animals which is kind fo good and kind of crap. I'm sure I'll meet people I can have a good time with. The last time I flew the nest was before I moved to Devizes in 2002. I was going to go to APU in Cambridge to study film and philospohy. I stayed in Cambridge for about a week before I went back home. I remember sitting in this tiny box room, not knowing anyone and having this permanent sick sinking feeling in my stomach. I think because we moved around a bit when I was younger, I hate having to go through the whole meeting people thing. I hate being by myself as well. Lonliness is the worst feeling in the world. I'm feeling fine this time around however. I'm a bit apprehensive about starting my 'fantastic and stimulating' job at Marks and Spencer on Monday working in the storeroom. I can't stand the falseness of high-street chains. The white walls, hollow corridors and dark warehouses that you get to see when you work 'behind the scenes' (I've worked in Woolworths before - never again!). I have visions of being stuck in a warehouse with people I have nothing in common with for eight hours whilst my soul is gently crushed until I no longer feel or think as myself. Then again maybe it will be fine. I need the money regardless so I have little choice. I shall report all however...
The Eurovision Song Contest is on TV at the moment. It's hilarious because the music itself can hardly even be called music. Its so bland and devoid of any substance. The voting is the funniest part though because its all so political. Everyone votes for their geographic neighbour just to keep each other sweet. God only knows why they even bother doing it year after year. It would be great to hack into the computer and change all the points. We'd probably end up with WW3 on our hands.
Jobs I would like to do to earn a living (in no particular order other than the first one):
-Professional musician
-Artist
-Painting/photography
-Filmmaker
-Movies/ Directing/Film extra
-Alternative documentarys
-Computer Graphics
-Movie effects/ Animation etc..
-Jet pilot (speed!!)
-Paranormal Investigator
16/5/04
I've just started doing a painting. Not sure what its going to be yet. I'd like to do a whole series of sun, moon and stars paintings. I love that whole psychadelic fairytale feel associated with those images. In terms of music I want to really try and put together a whole load of songs that contribute to a story, possibly like a fairytale but something that parallels life today. I'm seriously considering creating a character to represent this. A kind of failed Peter Pan who finds himself torn between growing up in the 'real' world or living in his imagination, both of which are as real as each other. I really admire other artists who have done things like thats such as the obvious David Bowie, Peter Gabriel (in his early days), Billy Corgan and Marilyn Manson. The last two are not recognised nearly as much as they should be for their art. I have several songs that I need to work on which I have in mind for this collection of songs. Others wouldn't fit. Possible list of songs:
Vision One
Lyrics are at the beginning of this journal. Needs to be jazzed up as it sounds too much like Radiohead. I like the idea of an introduction to the character by seeing what he sees on the television. It could set the scene for his escape into imagination.
Caesar Sun
An idea about comparing life as we know it today with the Roman Empire and predicting its downfall.
Desert Man
Not sure of a specific idead for this one. I had in mind a kind of slow dreamy feel that builds up with some organ, a tribute to Jim Morrison perhaps. Maybe it could be about searching for something but not knowing when you've found it, so subsequently loosing it.
The Promised Land
Has a great and very grandiose build up as an intro. I'm thinking about the idea of splitting the story into two halves. This would be the beginning of the second half. What is the proised land however? Is it adulthood or is it the great land in which the character has created in imagination?
Orpheus
I tried to write lyrics for this but couldn't get further than what you see at the beginning of this journal. I wanted to capture an ancient Greek kind of feel. I remember going to Athens in 2000 and visiting the parthenon. That particuler building, although amazing, had lost its magic. The building next to it however, with the statues of Greek goddesses surrounding it, had not lost any magic. One got a very otherworldly feel in its presence.
Your Neon Heart
Second to last track. Very epic sounding, inspired by Jeff Buckley. Subject matter is I guess all about hope and following your dreams. My idead is to encorporate an orchestral melody with guitars that reach a large cresendo and then subdue. The lyrics and music give the impression of someone flying into space.
Into The Sea
The final track. A slow picked melody on the twelve string guitar. So far I only have the last few lyrics. I want it to be about looking back and in doing so seeing the future and how it ends up as one continuous loop. Again it builds up towards the end with the melody changing slightly. I'd like to have some piano involved. At the climax of the song I'd love to bring in a female voice, singing in an operatic style with possibly a choir singing the melody. Once again however its a fine line between being outrageously cheesy and being extremely moving.
Its not an easy task trying to put all your ideas together and merge them into one creation. It's probably not something I should be trying to do myself either, especially if I want to have a tight musical unit. I have the number for a drummer in Guildford who I will text this week and hopefully we can meet up and have a chat and a jam. Its a real shame that things didn't get together with Adam because musically we click with each other perfectly. We both have the same ideas about what we want to do with music. You never know what the future will hold however!.
17/05/04 - 8:00 AM
I decided to call that drummer last night and we met up in town. He was a really nice guy and even though he's in two other bands at the moment, he said he would be interested in more of an alternative feel. He's also the kind of guy I would normally hang out with. I had four pints of guiness so feeling a little dodgy this morning but not too bad. We said we'd meet up again later in the week, maybe Friday, and have a smoke and discuss ideas. I'm off to my first day of work in half an hour!
8.00 PM
Had a long day of listening and getting 'trained' today, although I'm still not sure about what I'll exactly be doing tomorrow when i actually start the job. Still fairly apprehensive, especially since the place is so big. There were two other people doing the same training as well as me. There was a girl called Charlene who is seventeen and very sweet, and a guy originally from Bangladesh whos name I forget. He's nineteen and also a really nice guy.
I've had an idea about possibly writing some acoustic tunes and going out and playing them in public. That way songs that don't fit with my ideas for a band don't get lost of forgotten. I can write a song pretty easily so instead of sifting everything, I'd like to try and get it down.
Thje tragedy of youth
Is hanging from the noose
While the hangman smiles
And wraps his child
In cotton candy
Lemonade shandy
Red Wine
Turpentine
Alice found her fetus drowned
Through the looking glass eye
Burning holes in her mind
Mirror mirror on the wall
The elephant man will save us all
With my nicotene machine
And my skeleton key
Gonna open up my new disease
Pick up sticks
Pick up knives
Broken homes
Broken lives
Sweet and fruity
Medium dry
She's gonna see this through
For the rest of her life
-------
Warm hands
Lift me up above the silent seeds of this land
I'll try to be your Superman
Fall or fly, do or die
We'll come back down together
Cold hands
The city lights, they twinkle bright
On this land
------
Things ain't what they used to be
Since my baby shot a hole in her head
No things ain't what they used to be
The blood stains have covered the bed
------
"In my day it was all so different
The world you see was flat
Everyone knew everyone's buisness
Mr Blank was a marvelous chap"
18/5/04
End of first day of work and I'm exhausted. It was pretty much what I expected, lots of packing and stocking in warehouses. Before work I went into a little trndy shop and they had a full time vacancy available. I've been torn all day with either getting less money but enjoying a job, or getting more money and not. I just have to keep in my head that its only for four months.
22/5/04
Not much to report. Slowly fitting the work routine. The only thing keeping me there at the moment is the money. I've become friends with two nice guys, Aaron and Alex so that makes life easier. Because I get back at nine thirty it makes actually doing anything creative very difficult. I'm not sure why but my enthusiasm for writing anything has disappeared. For example I have the day off today and I picked up the guitar but just couldn't get anything together. I want to be working on some kind of project with other people rather than going to work and being exhausted or sitting around with nothing to do. I know it takes time and I will meet people when the course starts but I want to have some fun. I'm 22 for gods sake. Thats what I should be doing!
Don't die, you've only started living.
30/5/04
It's Sunday today and I had to get up at 6.45am for work. Its bank holiday tomorrow though which I have off. I had a really nice day on Friday. Dad was in England for a meeting so he drove over with my brother and sisters and we spent the day going around where he used to live. We went for a really long walk in the forest and he took us to a graveyard in a small village called Peaslake where he wants to be buried when the time comes. After that we drove back to mums place in Wiltshire for the evening and then dad drove me back to Guildfor in the morning. It was great seeing him. He's planning on moving to the south of France within the next two months so thank god we will see a lot more of him!
On the music front not much to report. I bought the NME this week on a whim. A band called Venus In Furs (unoriginal I know) were looking for a guitarist so I texted them but they've found one. I also saw an ad from a guy called Fraser. He's 18 and coming to the college in September. He's into all the prog-rock and psychadelic 60s/70s stuff that I love. He won't be around for a while though. I find myself getting progressively more persuaded that other than Adam, there simply is no one else around who wants to play the music that I want to play. Yet how can Adam and I get it together when we've blown it so many times already? Maybe he wouldn't want too anyway. If we did start something again though we'd seriously have to start gigging A.S.A.P and find someway around the travel issues. It's something I'm going to have to think about....
Things I'd like to do:
- Monroe Institute course
- Transcendental Meditation course
- A hike around the world
- Learn to microlight
- Do a bungee jump
- Do a skydive
05/06/04
Well I've met a bass player! He's called Dave and he placed an ad in NME looking to get into 'a good old fashioned rock n' roll band' in Guildfor area. I met up with him and Martin (the drummer) on Thursday and got very drunk. He's a very quiet and laid back nice guy. Martin also introduced us to a singer called Lara who goes to ACM. Apparently she's an amazing singer and she's toured with loads of people. She was nice. Your regular 'bright-eyed young star' dreaming of fame and fortune. It's criminal how much untapped talent there is out there and so much of it ends up burning away.
Anyway, on Friday Martin and Dave came over to my place to listen to a couple of guitar ideas I had put down on the 4-track. I think Dave could see the potential of what I was trying to get at but I don't think Martin could. One of the songs has a few changes in tempo which he didn't think he'd be able to handle. I think he felt that there was no structure. I get the impression that he's used to playing along to simple chord structures and maybe he feels I'm being too ambitous. I came away feeling disappointed and frustrated not being able to get my ideas across as well as not being able to find the right people. Dave is coming over tomorrow again with his bass so I guess we'll see what happens.
I've got this constant battle going on in my head about which route to take. Do I write some acoustic songs and play them myself? Do I join a London band in NME? Do I try to get musicians together in Guildford or do I convince Adam to go it alone with me? At worst do I stop thinking about music and focus on something else? I really don't think I could do that. I've got to find some kind of creative outlet because at the moment I'm just a mass of ideas and I'm driving myself crazy thinking about what to do next.
I forgot to mention that I met a guy at work called Chris who's in his 30s. He's a singer/songwriter who's sending in some songs for a BBC competition and wants me to put some guitar down on them. I said I'd do it so we'll see how that goes. I'm going to meet up with him at the Isle Of Wight festival which I'm going down to on Thursday. I can't wait for that! I'm meeting up with Adam and Clare, Jim and his brother and Matt and his brother. The Who are playing on Saturday and David Bowie on Sunday. Can't wait!
14/06/04
I am back from the Isle Of Wight. I had a brilliant time! The sun shone all weekend, a lot of alcohol and weed was consumed, surrounded by friends. Just what the summer should all be about. I love festivals because so many people just let their hair down all together and have fun. The vibe was great all weekend and there weren't too many people. The Isle Of Wight is a lovely picturesque place as well. The highlight in terms of the music must have been The Who. They played a really rocking set. I didn't realise what a good guitarist Pete Townsend is. David Bowie was good and I'm glad I finally got to see him but I was a bit disappointed with his set. He played a lot of new material and quite a few obscure tracks, so the set didn't seem to flow all that well. Regardless, a great time was had by all. I hope it won't be long before I see my friends again. The summer dosn't seem the same when they're not around.
Winters End
I will lie in the cold morning dew
In green grass I'll kiss skies of blue
Pale as Decembers cold friend
Waiting for sunlight and the end
Down by the turnpike unaware
Fish playing games in my hair
Sweet Mary take me when I drown
The night is a playground for the clowns
Love don't you let your tears fall
For water is the only life I now know
When you hear the rain on the leaves
Bathe with your lover Neptune and me
Sweet Mary take me when I drown
The night is but a playground for the clowns
-------
The cracks are beginning to show
Emaciate the man, release the boy and watch him grow.
I tripped on my silver lining and picked myself up in the clouds
I dreamt of magical kingdoms but awoke to a world of chaos
Little boy blue has learnt to tie his shoes
Tucked up under his suburban blanket
Lost boys hide in the subway
While Peter Pan's out getting laid
Never going to grow up
--------
Give me a wink
Give me a smile
This queue of compassion
Goes on for miles
White with no sugar
An everyday sight
Hey waitress, pour me another cup of coffee
A million lives stored up inside
Prophecy on the wind
-------
I'm working for the man
Doing the best I can
To keep up with the hive
To keep the queen alive
I'm sitting proud on my hill
I'm on top of the bills
Smiling at the ants
Top up my stash of cash
Killing time
In the warehouse mind
Starved of light and sound
Dying underground
-------
19/06/04
As you can see from the above, I'm having difficulties writing any decent material. The problem is that my mind just goes blank when I try to write and that makes me depressed. I end up back in that lonely place. I need to find a way to get this all out.
I have something I should talk about. Everyone always comments about my weight and says that I'm too thin and they are right. When I was in sixth form I was depressed for a long time and I put on a lot of weight which made me become very self-conscious and led to some teasing. I lost all the weight but the problem has reversed itself. I don't eat fatty things and recently havn't been eating meat as I don't want to put on weight. I've convinced myself that I look better this way, although peoples comments suggest that I look ill. Again, this is something I need to overcome. Just before I moved to Guildford I had overcome it. I just want to do something with some meaning. I can't stand this dull monotonous pace of life. I havn't had a girlfriend for years and I'm really fucking lonely.
The sleeper must awaken
------
Everyman could be a true believer
Everyman is still the lonely dreamer
Everyman still fights the ever present sinner
Everyman could be another mans saviour
-------
An experiment in stream of consciousness:
Awake sweet morning
A battle is still to be fought
Against the night and all her demons
Cloaked in silence and crowned by dreams of sleeping innocents.
Who will strike the first blow?
The wind is but a wanderer and will not take either side.
But playfully devour the cries of battle and sopit them back to the four corners of a weary Earth.
------
I dream of many things.
Some are bitter like a rotting apple and only worms are to be found.
Others are sweet like candy, coming wrapped in pretty colours and stirring a childlike innocence.
Occasionally they are lustful, like the thrust of a lion as he enters his mate.
More often they are gentle, like the touch of one's lover awakening to nothing but love.
------
Solace and sanctuary in a heartbeat
A parade of rainbows, golden soldiers
Showers and evergreen
Laugh at the eagle
A wing and a prayer
In silence, in sanctuary
02/07/04
I had a practice with Dave last night. We're really coming together musically I think which is great. I've filled him in on all my ideas and he seems to like them. He's introduced me to the 'Big Muff' distortion pedal which I think I will use from now on. It's got amazing sustain!
Anyway it was Adams 21st birthday on Wednesday so I've decided to go and stay with him for the weekend. I'm getting the train after work tonight and can't wait to see everyone! I bought 'The Yes Album' yesterday and its brilliant. I'm seriously getting into them. I'm going to give Adam 'Tales From Topographic Oceans' on vinyl for his birthday. I shall report all when I return!
06/07/04
Had a great time over the weekend! I met up with all the old crowd and indulged in ridiculous amounts of substances and food. It always ends up taking my body a week to recover. Anyway I got the train to Reading after work on Friday only to discover that all trains were delayed from Reading. Thank god there was a train going to Swindon that had managed to get through so I met Adam and Clare in Swindon and we drove back to Devizes where we spent the evening catching up. On Saturday we went for lunch and just hung out all afternoon before meeting up with Matt. We then went to Marlborough where we met up with Danny, Jim, Robin, Jen, Wes and Lisa. Myself, Jim and Adam took ecstacy for the evening resulting in us all getting loved up. On Sunday we made hash fudge which I ate far too much of. All in all a pretty crazy weekend.
09/07/04
Some interesting developments arose over the weekend. Adams housemate Clive announced that he is moving out at the end of this month. Adam can't afford to keep the flat himself so him and Clare have decided to move over to Guildford come September. Adam really wants to give the band another shot which is great. I think he's coming over next weekend to look for places to live. I quit my mindnumbing warehouse job this week. I finish next Friday. I havn't lined up another job yet but frankly I'm just glad to be leaving. I need to think of a genius plan to make some money. I'd rather be doing something a bit more part-time so I can focus on music. As usual the 'real world' always manages to get in the way!
I saw Dave yesterday and he's really enthusiastic. There is a girl that he knows who wants to do a website for us, and I have an old friend called Lisa who say she will photograph the band free of charge. Things are coming together. All we need is the time to really get the creativity flowing!
19/07/04
Bit of a crazy week! I quit my warehouse job and had my last day of Friday. I've been experiencing a wierd feeling in which my perceptions and emotions switch off and I feel like I'm in a dream. It's not a nice feeling and I think its due to a lack of creative stimulus. When I'm with people and I'm having fun its fine, but when I'm stuck in the middle of suburbia I just shut off. I decided that my mental state is more important than anything so I quit my job without finding anything else. I have handed in a few CVs to a couple of shops though so hopefully I can get some cash through August.
Adam and Clare came down for the weekend and they have found a room in Guildford! They move in mid August. It was a stressful weekend but Adam and I went out on Saturday night which was really nice and we all went out for dinner on Sunday evening. I always feel so much better when I'm around friends and the sun is shining. It will be great when they move here so we can get the music together and just hang out.
Speaking of music, I had my first practice with the drummer and the bass player on Sunday. We came up with some good riffs and I have some good ideas. The drummer Martin turned out to be great so hopefully we can all get it together!
I want to try and arrange to go to France next week and stay with my uncle and grandparents. I think taking some time to really relax in the sun will do me the world of good. I just want to focus on music as much as possible and not have to worry about my mind being crushed by the endless monotony of the so called 'real world'.
21/07/04
I had an interview with HMV yesterday which was ok. I have another interview tomorrow with a small shop. I need to get a months pay because once again I'm draining my account.
I'm off to the south of France on Monday for a week and cant wait. Its sunny outside and I feel like I should be out enjoying it but there's no one to enjoy it with. I really think I'm going crazy. My eating habits are fucking up my body. I want to feel alive again. I think its to do with a lack of interaction. I come alive around people but with no one to really hang out with and nothing to focus on, it seems to have a solitery confinement kind of effect.
24/07/04
I'm sat by the riverside in the sun. Its really pretty down here with all the boats on the canal. Apparently this is where Lewis Carroll wrote Alice In Wonderland and you can really see how he would have got some inspiration for it. I bought a couple of CDs along with me. The first Led Zeppelin album, The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway by Genesis and the best of The Doors. I've heard no word about jobs so I guess I didn't get the HMV one. It's a stressful time and my mental and physical state are reflecting that. Ihope it will all work itself out and I can get back to feeling normal and full of life again. The sunshine helps but I'm lacking company and direction. I hope I can look back at this period in my life and say "I don't know what the fuss was all about", rather than "that was the beginning of the end." I'm sure that sounds all too dramatic but thats how I feel all too frequently at the moment.
27/07/04
I arrived in France last night. The sun is shining and I've been trying to wind down. Grandpa is in a bad state. He's a chronic alcoholic and is doped up to his eyeballs on morphine most of the time just to combat pain, depression etc..Everyone else is in good spirits however. I had a great surprise because dad arrived today! I'm really pleased that he is here as well so we can all spend time together. I may stay here an extra week or so and really concentrate on getting myself together again.
07/08/04
Still in France. I decided to stay for two weeks to give myself time to chill out which I both have and havn't done. My stomach packed up just before I arrived and with the aid of a shit load (bad pun) of laxatives I managed to go only once yesterday, which gives you an idea of the pain I was in. I went to see a private doctor here and described my stomach problems, weight-loss, mental issues etc. They gave me x-rays and took some blood tests which came back fine (other than they told me I have to quit smoking). The doctor basically said that he felt it was my mental state that was causing all my physical problems. I know I have an eating issue. I have to get over this problem with my self-image. Starving myself dosn't make me beautiful.
Other than that, its been nice being in the sun with dad and the family. My uncle's friend was down with his kids in the first week and we all went up into the hills to swim at another friends place. My uncle's friend had a daughter called Rosie who was very sweet (15 going on 16). I didn't talk to her much but they went back to England and she called me to say that she thought we had a lot in common and she'd like to talk some more, which I thought was really nice. No harm in making a friend!
I've read some books looking for inspiration. 'The Little Prince' by St. Exupery is a beautiful story and I'd love to expand on the story in a song. I've also been reading the abriged tales of Shakespeare to try and get some mythical inspiration. I really like 'A Midsummer Nights Dream', 'The Tempest' and 'A Winters Tale'.
We are having a BBQ this evening. 'The smell is pervading my hairy nostrils...'
15/08/04
I returned from France on Tuesday with a bad stomach and went out to the pub with Clare. When I woke up the next morning I had a panic attack and the feelings of panic have lasted ever since. Dad has found the number for a doctor who I have to call on Tuesday. I've been going back and forth to Devizes to hang out with Adam and try to keep my mind busy and not think about the fear and panic. I'm trying to work out whats causing it and I think internalising all my thoughts, emotions and fears has caused my nervous system to break down. The stress of finding a job quickly, sorting out my eating problem and being by myself for so long both physically and emotionally has completely fucked me up. I hope I can keep it together and get some help. I can't live in a state of terror like this. The most important thing now is to get better. It's scary how closely linked the mind is to the body as well. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. I need to be hopeful and realise that I need to sort my own mind out and release all the thoughts I've kept inside. Hopefully the doctor will help me or refer me to someone. We shall see. In the meantime I feel like I'm clinging on for dear life.
21/08/04
I went to see the doctor who is a family friend on Thursday. We had a chat and basically he felt that the cause of the panic attacks and depression is due to simply spending too much time by myself and having no clear direction, especially now that I'm unemployed. I can see his point. It's almost as if I've put myself into a solitery confinement type situation and have internalised all my thoughts. I've started eating properly again and am trying to persuade myself not to worry about what I eat so much. My lower intestine is still swollen though but I think my body is slowly sorting itself out again. My biggest challenge now is sorting out my head. The doctor gave me beta blockers to combat the panic attacks which I have yet to take as I havn't needed to since seeing him. I feel I'm missing my own sense of identity which I need to recover. My enthusiasm for playing any music at the moment is very low and I really want to get that back.
Adam moves down next week but at the moment he's here for the weekend with Danny. Adam's been acting strange the last few weeks. He's developed an attitude problem towards me and Clare and everything in general. Before I went to France he was in great spirits but he's not the same. I think its all the weed he's smoking mixed with doing not much else except going to work. A similiar situation that I was in when I lived in Devizes. No one seems to be themselves at the moment but I keep telling myself that this is a lull. I hope good things will come this year and we can all start having fun and enjoy being young.
25/08/04
I still can't shake the fear and the mindtricks. My consciousness keeps closing off as well. I don't know why I can't sort my head out but I want to so much. I feel completely disconnected from life and myself. I feel like I no longer know who or what I am.
05/09/04
My first day as a 23 year old! Myself, Adam, Clare, Matt and Jim all went up to London last night. We had a really nice meal and got drunk. I've spent the last week at mums house in Calne, Wiltshire sorting out the last of the bits and pieces in the flat in Devizes for Adam. It was nice to spend some time at mums and I've felt a lot better this week. I've been teaching myself not to be so obsessive about things and to keep my mind focused on things to look ahead to.
Adam auditioned for the music college and he's been accepted! He'll be doing the same course as me which is really cool as it means we can focus on a common goal. Its really hot at the moment and I'm looking forward to the course beginning as well as having a calm and relaxed mind. I feel proud of myself so far for not relying on medicine. I firmly believe that my mental state can be brought back to normal as long as I identify the problems myself. I believe I've done that. Its almost a process of re-learning how to do things. They say the ages of 23 to 27 are the key years of youth and I have the feeling that this year could be the beginning of a lot of interesting and happy times.
26/09/04
I havn't written anything down for a couple of weeks but I don't want to stop writing this journal. I began my course at the music academy on the 20th. I'm still getting used to the idea of going to college to learn music. The course looks like its going to be very intense. So many of the musicians seem really good already so its slightly intimidating. I've met some cool people though and Adam isalso doing the course. I want to try and get focused on writing some stuff and hook up with some production people so I can at least get something down. I'm very conscious of the fact that I'm only here for a year and I really want to utilise whats available. At the moment I don't know if I'll end up in a band or doing something by myself, but hopefully within the next few weeks oppertuinities will present themselves.
On the mental health front last week proved interesting. At the beginning of the week I wasn't great again, feeling disconnected and ill but by the end of the week I was focused and being around people really made me feel myself again. That really is the key now, to keep my mind busy and hang out with other people.
I have to be truthful about the fact that I feel slight resentment towards Adam and Clare. I think my friendship with Adam isn't what it used to be anymore, and after spending this week at college its obvious that we won't end up playing in a band together. I always seem to be the one who makes the effort to try and find other musicians and put together a plan, but he just tags along for the ride. He made a comment last week that really got to me. Him and Clare decided to eat out during the week and I was asked if I wanted to join them. I said no because I had food in at home and cash is a bit tight. Adam resorted back to his nasty sarcastic side and said "So your being a tight git as usual". I thought that was really harsh considering I bought him a load of drinks when he had no money a few days before. I wonder and to be honest worry where he'll be in ten years.
It was Satuday night last night and I wanted to go out and do something. Adam and Clare didn't pick up their phones and I didn't have anyone else to call. It was then that I started feeling down and going inside myself again. I will call them later and see if they want to go out for lunch, if not I might just go by myself. Its not good keeping myself to myself like this.
'We're all just passing through.'
02/10/04
I've been kept really busy. I have a lot of work to do for college. I'm finding a lot of the actual playing techniques pretty tough but I've got to persevere! I've met a really cool guy called Robin. We've been hanging out a lot. He has the same aspirations as me and has the same mindset. He's definetly a free spirit and we're going to start working on music together as much as possible. It's been nice to meet so many people who are as unsure about the future as me. It will be really interesting to see where I am in one years time. I don't see myself as a session musician though. I think I definetly need to concentrate on honing my creativity and use the skills I'm learning at college to help me along the way. I'm getting together with Robin tomorrow to work on some music so we shall see what that yields!
11/10/04
Last week was a good week. I saw a lot of Robin. He's one of the nicest guys I've met and we're definetly on the same wavelength. We had an acoustic jam and came up with some really nice melodies. We're both interested in persuing the 'experimental' aspect of music, playing long instrumental stuff like bands such as Sigur Ros, Mogwai and Godspeed You Black Emperor. We need to find a drummer and a bassist though!
My good friend Chris Wright came to visit for the weekend. I'm not sure if I've mentioned him before but him and I grew up in Bahrain together. Adam knows him well also because he worked for a year in Wiltshire. He's doing aeronautical engineering at Cambridge University. Myself, Chris and Adam hung out for the weekend which was really nice. It's funny because we usually see him about once a year but when we all get together its like we've never been apart. Thats the sign of a good friendship.
I've been reading 'The Life and Death of Jim Morrison' It's got to be the best biography of an artist I've read. It goes heavily into his philosophical ideas which have inspired me to check out the philosophy of Frederick Nietzche. I'm also interested in the concept of surrealistic art and poetry. The basis being that all true art comes direct from the subconscious mind, as that is our closest link to the creative spirit. Therefore rather than consciously trying to write poetry, you simply sit and write without thinking and let your subconscious come out. I've bought a little leather book to write down any ideas and random writings that come to me.
Nietzche talks about the two sides of the human mind, being either Dionysian or Apollonian. The Apollonian mind tries to lead a life of conformity, respectability and order wheras the Dionysian tries to live for the moment, seeing all indulgences as a means to free ones true self. All our lives we battle between the two wheras someone like Jim Morrison tried to persue the Dionysian way of life. The author of his biography talks about Nietzche's theory that the world at the moment is persuing the material aspect of the Apollonian minset. I find this very interesting and agree with it. People arn't encouraged to focus on or to explore their creativity anymore. Instead they are forced to conform to a life of dull, bland action that surpresses their imagination and creativity. I find that one of the hardest things to overcome, finding a reason to persue ones creative side. I do feel that there is another person inside me waiting to jump out. Someone who focuses entirely on living for the moment with imagination serving as his sole purpose for living. Life has kept that person under the surface, contributing to all my stress, worry and confusion. Regardless I intend to read more of Nietzches writings. I also want to check out the poetry of Blake and Auden. Blake's artwork and use of language really fascinates me. One gets the sense that his words have come from somewhere else. Almost as if he simply transcribed them through some higher power. I believe the work of all the great artists has that 'divine' element to it. It's a question of being able to tap into it and recognise it freely.
12/10/04
I'm beginning to fully realise that imagination really is the key to freeing oneself completely. That feeling of freedom and lingering magic that we experience as children and referred to as innocence, is the result of being able to live in that imaginery world where everything holds wonder and insight. It seems to disappear as we grow up with outside influences clouding our minds, but I don't believe it ever leaves. If everyone could tap back into that state and live their lives through the eyes of a child, this world would be one of love and magic in which nothing was beyond the realms of possibility.
15/10/04
These last few days the fear, panic and horrible feelings have returned. It's like a creeping feeling that comes on and everything becomes a life or death situation, to the point where I can't even think straight and no longer know who or what I am. It's like floating in a void of emptiness and fear. I'm trying so hard to get my head back to how it should be and I'll suddenly have brief moments of clarity that will disappear. Trying to balance my condition with studying at college and even just trying to enjoy myself is getting harder and harder. I need to be with my family and I need to be with someone to help me get better. To top it all off we have no heating or hot hot water at the moment in the house. I can't see where I'm headed. I just want to feel myself again and to be happy. I havn't been for so long.
20/10/04
Darkness clouds my mind. Everyday I'm fighting a battle with my own mind but I know longer know if its really mine at all. There is so much jumbled up guilt and surpressed emotion that I can't get to any of it. Maybe I should disappear somewhere, run away from it. I'd like to be the brave warrior and 'stick around to fight the battle' but maybe I'd just be deluding myself into thinking there was any kind of point. Then again whats the point in being a martyr if there's no one around to think of you as one.
29/10/04
It's becoming hard for me to even express how I'm feeling at the moment. I've been taking beta blockers to combat the anxiety and guilt but they're not really woking anymore. My head is a complete mess and I can't make sense of anything.
9/11/04
Last Monday I decided to go and stay in Bath for a week with my sister Sarah. It did me some good to be around people for a bit and to get back to just a little bit of reality. Sarah has a spare room in her flat and I've decided to move over there for Christmas. I'm having real mixed feelings about leaving college and what the hell I'm going to do with my life. It came down to the simple fact that I need to be around people and in a nice homely environment. Regardless of college I will get that in Bath more than I will here. I'm trying not to think too much about the future and take things one step at a time, but its hard breaking old habits.
Bonfire night was really nice Myself, Sarah, her boyfriend Tom and Nick went and watched a big fireworks display in Bath and then went to a couple of pubs for drinks. It was nice to relax with a good group of people.
I've been spending lots of time with Robin and we've become really close friends in the short time we've known each other. A couple of weekends ago we stayed at his dads place and went for a long walk in Blackheath Forest. It was a crisp autumn day and the sky was blue. We got lost and ended up wandering around the forest in the dark until we found our way out. We then stopped for a drink in a small village pub. I had real clarity of thought when we were in the forest and I realised how happy I would be just living a quiet life and enjoying all the things life has to offer, rather than constantly battling in the rat race. I think that could count a lot for my condition. I'm struggling to find an identity and a reason to live. Modern living puts all these bullshit constraints on your mind and says you can or can't do this. It overloads my brain.
I had an amazing experience on Saturday. Myself and Robin went to a party in London which was on an old boat. We followed a trail of candles in the dark. Inside the boat was a small room with people sat watching some amazing alternative music being played by groups of musicians. A picture of Syd Barrett was hanging above the door and apparently Pink Floyd actually played on the boat back when they first started. It is a private boat that was bought and touched up by a guy who is in a band with his son Blaine. They are called The Mystery Jets and are a really good band that I hope will go far. I was introduced to Blaine who has loads of character. I inscribed a little quote onto his organ as well. It was encouraging to find a group of people who are playing good music. The whole place had that up and coming feeling like we were at the beginning of something. To an extent I think that London would be a good place to be but once again you need to be around people doing something on a regular basis. I need to just focus getting my head together for a while. I really just want a reason to live because to be honest at the moment its difficult to find a valid one. I will write some more in a while.
18/11/04
I'm settled in Bath. Ireally like my room here and its nice having the company of my sister and Kirsty. I sent a letter to the college saying that I want to defer my course until September. Whether or not I will actually go back is something else of course. I'm still taking each day as it comes and am still having to deal with panic and extreme mood swings on a fairly regular basis. I'm really trying to work on calming myself down so I can get a clear head. I'm trying to think of where to go to next in terms of direction but I'm finding the lack of direction simply increases my panic and anxiety. I just had a really good chat with Kirsty and she said that I have to try and calm my mind and realise that I can do anything that I want. I have a little money and free time so I can go in any direction I want and if I don't like it I can always change. The barriers I've put up in my head are all fictional and I realise this. Its a question of making my brain realise this. The other thing I need to do is write down my emotions and maybe try and write out some kind of mind map in which I list the things that interest me and projects I could do to try and get some direction.
I almost forgot to mention that I went to see a psychotherapist yesterday for a 50 minute session. It was ok and good to have someone listening whilst I talked about how I felt. The only problem with psychotherapy is that it dosn't offer solutions on how to cope with the panic although I do have a fairly good idea what is causing most of it. In fact this may be a good time to write some of it down:
I get panicky about eating because I believed that eating food would make me overweight and if I was overweight as opposed to slim then no one would love me. I believed that changing my appearence would make me look more like a rock star and then I would feel better about myself and have purpose.
I get panicky about drinking or going out also because I believed that consuming quantities would alter my appearence and this made me feel guilty. It also represented a break in routine which I felt I needed to be in control and therefore feel safe.
I can't commit to things because of a lack of confidence in myself and an outcome. This lack of confidence is due to feelings of abandonement by girlfriends (Sheena, Amy etc), by friends (Adam) and by a lack of love towards me by my mother. I have to realise that all these people did and do love me in their own ways and these feelings don't exist.
I have a feeling that time is running out due to thinking that because I'm young and not enjoying myself, I am missing out on something somewhere else. I have to realise that this is due to a lack of confidence and in fact I have all the time in the world to do whatever I want.
I desperatly crave love and security from someone but I must realise that I have this love and security and that I'm not alone. I am free to enjoy myself and to do whatever I want with my life and to be happy. I have my own things, a roof over my head, good friends and a clean slate. The world is my oyster. I am not hanging over the edge. One decision is not a decision for life.
24/11/04
Mum and Chris came over at the weekend and took us out for lunch. It was really nice just to sit and feel normal. When they left mum said "Just get better, thats all thats important and we all love you very much." That meant a lot.
In confronting why I feel angry about so many things, I wanted to write about the anger I feel towards Adam. I'm pissed off that he just put me aside when we were supposed to be best friends. He always does it and assumes I'll be ok with it. Well guess what you prick, I'm not! I'm fucked off by all your spiteful and sarcastic comments you made, especially when we were at school. They made me feel like complete shit and destroyed my confidence. Especially when I've never taken the piss out of you for being lanky, spotty and fucking ugly. Best friends don't act the way you have and that caused a lot of anger in me.
29/11/04
I went to Marlborough on Friday night to celebrate Laurens 21st birthday. Nick came with us as he's also a good friend of Laurens. I can't remember if I've mentioned Nick before. I used to go to school with him. He studies a music course at uni in Bath and he's good friends with my sister and her boyfriend Tom. I've become good mates with him in the last few weeks.
Anyway we went out for a nice meal and drank a hell of a lot. It was great to see Lauren again. She was looking very pretty and everytime we get together it feels like we should be together in some way. I think we're so similiar and are both experiencing the same mental problems. I felt fine during the evening as alcohol tends to subdue a lot of the feelings. I felt a little anxious the next day when I woke up but definetly a bit stronger than a couple of weeks ago. I spent the next two days at mums house and felt very anxious and ill a number of times. The feelings come on in waves and are usually triggered by a thought. The thoughts are usually food or drink related i.e. having to be in control of how much quantities I'm putting into my body, or they are related to my own personal situation i.e. where am I going? Its all about self confidence rather than control. Its only been in the last few years that I've developed this need to be in control of everything. Its about being happy in oneself and what I like. Because I spent so long convincing myself that I need to be a certain person or need to look a certain way to be excepted, my brain is producing fear when I go against this. I've conditioned or almost brain washed myself into this thought process. Its only moments like this when I'm calm that I can reach the clarity of thought to write this down. I need to beat this and be happy in myself once and for all to be able to move forward. It does help seeing people like my sister and Lauren who have got so much better than they were. It will get better.
3/12/04
I some thoughts about my condition yesterday. My lack of confidence from being by myself too much has resulted in my inner thoughts almost splitting into two halves, one being my true self and the other being my conscience which has become my critic. I'm working on restoring my confidence.
I met a new group of friends yesterday. A really nice guy called Dave who works in the music shop came around for a jam. He's an amazing guitarist. In the evening we all went out and had fun. It was nice meeting his friends and girlfriend who are all a good bunch of people.
The recovery process is slow but I have made progress. The weather definetly contributes to a lot as well. I tend to feel better when the sun is s
Posted at 06:50 am by EdCesar
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